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Review:
Jenn - 2005-08-23 22:36:19 ------------------------------- Chronic flu - 2005-08-26 10:50:05 I was wondering what the reason could be to stay in such a situation,and,yeah,love is one! That would have made sense to me then. Like,that would explain it,sure. You love the guy,you endure stuff,that is very clear to me. I think that is the normal situation-that is also the reason why one is bound,that is where the boundry comes from. You still kinda love him,that�s why you don�t wanna leave. I was just inquiring because,with Nicim�s story,I don�t see that sentiment,it�s not there,she never mentions she is into him. The situation really would make sense,if the guy also had upsides,you know,if he was really interesting on the other hand. Uhm. Do you know where I�m going? To me it�s not obvious why Nicim stayed in the first place,to me it�s not obvious why she hooked up with him in the first place-because:she never describes the attraction,I can never see HER in the realtionship,I can never see why SHE thinks and feels and lives why he is interesting. Like.I don�t see where the weak spot for the guy IS! She doesn�t seem to have such a weak spot!!! Usually love is the point,you know,he treats you bad,but THEN he smiles at you once and it�s all good again-that�s in a situation where I have been in before!! But with Nicim I don�t SEE that weakness,that weak spot! She doesn�t even seem to be attracted-you know,all I was saying was that I didn�t udnerstand the situation from a logical,or psychological point of view. Well,ok,maybe she had kind of a samariter complex. You know,wanted to save him at any cost!! That also would explain things for me. I just don�t think she was in love in the first place!! Maybe she wanted to save him and be the total angel or whatever. You know,maybe it was that. Maybe that was the reason why she stayed. She just seems mentally and physically,vitally,you know,so strong. It�s true:usually the people don�t leave because they don�t WANT to. (And,of course,this "liking the abuse" can be brought close to them in their childhood,sure.Noone likes being abused,sometimes you are just used to it.But you still can do nothing but change,of course.) So,I just wanted to know why NIcim WANTED to stay,like,what was the upside on this for HER. Maybe she likes being an angel,a good guy or whatever. Maybe it was that,I don�t know. Inquiring minds wonder. She just seems pretty classy and so disciplined and stuff,so why would she okay with such a situation,you know,like,why did she put up with this for so long? I just don�t understand;she seems so strong to me. Maybe you THOUGHT you were in love and actually wasn�t? ------------------------------- candoor - 2005-08-26 14:11:14 TO Chronic Flu: not to speak for nicim, but to reason logically as you appear to be doing... remember that nicim is sharing in retrospect, long past the moment of the story... it may be challenging to see the nicim we read today, the strong, wise, and beautiful as a teenager struggling with the confusion of sentiment, the insecurity and psychological dependency, the logical reasons to stay with an abuser - because she has grown and learned and can look back without anger or worry... if she's forgiven herself for being young and unsure of how to get out of a trap she stepped into, then she's grown past that "weak spot" as you put it... she has healed... I sense that you did not mean to insult or negate the pain expressed, in fact, you may have such a high opinion of nicim that your surprise at learning that she could be, once upon a time, as blinded by love and unprotected from dependancy as we all can be sometimes might have been the reason for your query in the first place... none of us are perfect (I surely know that from a look my own life)... nicim is a wonderful role model for me... she represents a woman who has grown wise without growing old, without shutting down her heart and the child inside of her... to leave behind the foolishness of youth without leaving behind the wisdom of youth is a gift of intelligence and strength of character... to resist caving into social conformity, to remain your own person, to overcome peer pressure while not insulting peers - that is a balance of social diplomacy that we can call maturity... nicim certainly has such a balance... but once, she, like most of us, made more impulsive choices and to her credit she did not remain in a self-destructive situation once she realized it was happening... maybe this helps you understand... none of us want to give up on someone we love and walking away from an abuser is giving up on him, at least for that period of time... sometimes it takes almost as much strength to stay as it does to leave, but ultimately staying does more harm than good (even if we do not want to see that)... walking away is the tough love, it is taking away the alcoholic's bottle, it is telling the abuser that you will no longer enable his abuse and he must deal with his issues on his own... it is not called tough love because it is easy, after all... I'll stop this ramble of thought now hoping that I read you correctly, that you have respect and admiration for nicim and asked the questions you asked without malice, but with concern... and hopeful that my understanding of my friend allowed me to put a few words in her mouth that she might have said herself if she responded first... nicim remains a hero in my world, even more so because she has the courage to share herself as she does... wisdom is not a lack of mistakes, wisdom is learning from them... and that, our dear nicim, has done well and continues to do each day, right out here for all of us to see... and I think we are blessed to be able to witness her becoming :) ------------------------------- Fightn4life - 2005-08-28 00:14:43 Candoor, beautifully said, I agree with you 100%. Nicims voice may help many abused women; her pain and experence can be an instrument for helping others. You are awesome for posting the hot line links. I think what some people cannot understand is spouse abuse use to be swept under the carpet. I was unable to tell my family. Too much shame. There were no places to call or to go. No person should ever have to be trapped in an abusive relationship of any kind ever again. My advices to anyone if you are in one now�get out. Seek help and learn to live again. Life is too short to endure such pain. Sandyz ------------------------------- wildrosie - 2005-08-29 12:41:14 I was going to leave this be, but even though people have touched on this point, I feel the need to make it abundantly clear. Chronic Flu, you asked WHY Nicim stayed, and she answered you, and many others have too. But I got to thinking about it, and I believe that the problem here is that you are probably young, under 30, and you cannot possibly remember the time when Spousal Abuse and child abuse was NEVER spoken of. In our society today, and for probably the last 20 years, significant inroads have been made into changing this situation. There are places you can go to escape an abuser, hotlines to call, and people are willing and ready to help if you just make the first call. But that was not the case in 1968. Back then, a wife's job description differed from what it is today. If your husband abused you, it was because you weren't a good enough wife, and he needed to discipline you to bring you in line. If you called the police, likely they would tell you to stop doing things to upset your hubby, then the cops would take him out for a beer after work! Abusers like control. Abusers like to twist everything to make you feel like it's YOUR fault. And soon, without realizing it's happening, you find yourself caught in the morass, and it's damned hard to find your way out. And that, my dear Chronic Flu, is why an intelligent, beautiful, talented young woman in 1968 would stay in an abusive relationship. Because there was nowhere else to go. I guess it's indicative of how well the media has done their job, that the young people of today can't possibly imagine the mindset of the 60's. But there are those of us who remember. And those of us who will never forget. Meanwhile, I applaud Nicim, who shared an incredibly painful part of her life with us, just to make an important point. And I say again my darling, it has not fallen on deaf ears. Thank you. ~Rosie~ ------------------------------- passerby - 2005-08-30 04:44:23 i've been here (by chance) twice, and your words never fail to strike a chord somehow, whether of not i've been through the things you have. here's a verse i'd like to share, and i know many are familiar with this. esp goes out to nicim, connie, lynx86 and all those who've been hurt by someone close to them: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 i don't normally do this, but really hope you guys will ponder over the words. i think this verse really encapsulats what love is all about, and if you really love the person, no matter what he/she has done to you, you will forgive, because love is pure and free from any hatred. but if you realised it's not love, then really, he/she is not worth your time and effort, so don't waste your precious life on trivial and insignificant people like that! my ex-bf gave this verse to me, after our breakup, and things started getting sour. i guess on my part there was so much pain (because we had so much wonderful memories) that i found it easier to channel those to hatred, as a better outlet for venting my frustruation and in trying to rid of that gnawing pain. but then i started realising that the beautiful year we spent together was worth so much more than being chucked into a stale and ugly corner of my heart, and i started to let things go. and that was when i realised love really triumphs over everything. and though we don't talk much anymore, i still feel his presence all the time, and i believe vice versa. that is real love to me. yep just sharing a little with you. hope this helps. take care all you guys =) ------------------------------- Connie - 2005-09-22 00:09:06 Nicim states quite clearly in the entry that a romance started to blossom. "He was cool, exciting, just out of the Navy after 4 years, and a gentleman. . . . he held my hand, and I began to feel an excitement that had been missing." And she has stated in her own replying comment the reasons she stayed with him. Quite frankly, it wasn't just love that kept me with my ex. It was also no support. No friends, no family in the local area. I was in a completely different state from everyone I loved and trusted. And when you have an abusive partner, you DO get cut off from everyone you know, until your partnet is the only one you depend on to live. I can understand, too, staying with someone for the sake of the children. Because if I had children, and an abusive husband, I'd rather stay, and get beaten, than to leave, with a promise to get the children later, and risk the children getting beaten in my stead. At least I'd be old enough to understand that it's not my fault. Certainly the children would be scarred for life in a way that I wouldn't be, because they'd be too young to understand. No. I'd rather be beaten than leave my children open to it. ------------------------------- Add your review: |