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Review:
Vicki - 2005-08-27 22:55:55
First time reader here, and what a place to start. You know, a lot of diarist (myself included) post some of the trite memes going around. I hope they all post this too. I know I will. In both of my diaries. Thank you, and thank Candoor.
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hissandtell - 2005-08-28 00:09:10
I've never been in need of such support, and I'm grateful every day that all my relationships have been largely happy and rewarding ones. As a principal in schools in towns with profound social problems (high unemployment, major domestic violence, child neglect and emotional, physical and sexual abuse, substance abuse, criminal activities, destructive behaviour et al), however, where almost all of my students had been "damaged" in one way or other, I devoted a great deal of time to working with mental health professionals to help community members (both children and adults) heal, and break the abuse cycle. Congratulations on your stance on these issues, darling, and good luck in bringing about positive changes in others' lives. Love, R xxx
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radiogurl - 2005-08-28 00:33:06
If you've read any of my old entries you'll know I went through a lot of the same things you did - and like you, I had zero support system and nowhere to go. There were no shelters, my parents couldn't be bothered, and I had no vehicle and four small children instead of one. It took me a lot longer to get out than it did for you - but thank God, I did finally walk away. We're both stronger for it but it also damaged our ability to trust. I hope we can both re-learn the ability...
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candoor - 2005-08-28 11:01:20
message to Clunk: very challenging questions that could be the basis of a book about spousal abuse... did you ever consider writing one?... I believe it would be very helpful to many...
I am curious as to why you want to know so much detail... what it is about your life and your psyche and your inner child that seeks such information?... were you abuse?... are you an abuser, or former abuser trying to understand the motives of someone who might stay with you?... what do you get out of asking someone to dig into some of the worst moments of their life more deeply for you?... and why ask for such profound intimacy and trust while remaining anonymous?... quid pro quo, your asking for more than I ask of you and I hope you choose to continue this dialog...
I ask this of you because I am curious... and because I care about nicim and do not think she should have to dig into nightmares from the past in any more detail than she has unless she wants to... I ask for your motives in your own words personal detail because you might not realize that what you are asking is potentially very painful... or maybe you do, maybe you are the one who needs to answer these questions for yourself...
your anonymity may be easy to understand... if you have public websites and have an abuser in your life, you are safer not connecting the questions you ask here with your identity... but your questions would be much more meaningful if you shared your inner child, your reasons for asking, your motives for asking for such depth while remaining anonymous... I hope you understand that anonymity gives such intimate questions a taint of voyeurism even if you did not mean it as such...
open up, let us in, I think it would be good for us all...
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candoor - 2005-08-28 11:05:41
and nicim, thank you for your trust, your respect, and for you love... it means more than words will ever say to me and I feel blessed to have your presense in my life :)
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nicim - 2005-08-28 14:07:50
for the curious - Candoor responded to a comment from someone named "Clunk" which I had deleted. "Clunk" spent several paragraphs suggesting I was not only responsible for past hardships but demanding that I "open up" and reveal much more detail (although those of you who have read my archives know I've said a lot over the years). Thank you Candoor for your response, which I've decided to leave even though the comment to which he is responding is gone.
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Clunk - 2005-08-28 16:51:49
Oh,well,yeah,it IS voyeurism on my part,sure.
That�s completly true.
That�s really exactly what it is.
It�s the total voyeurism,yeah,that is true!
I had of course thought that you were the opposing thing there,you know,someone who wants to show things.
If you were this way,I don�t know what�s that called then,except for being extrovert-then I would LOVE that,you know!!!
I just LOOOOOOOOVE extrovert-ism,or what�s that called now.
But if you�re NOT extrovert,or don�t wanna tell stuff-well,then don�t do it,of course.
Do you think I want you to suffer,or what.
I just don�t want to be like your babysitter,and tell you what NOT to do,you know.
It IS true,I am a voyeur,or spectator,you know,and,yeah,I want to watch you,that�s true,that�s what this is all about,that�s what I�m all about.
Voyeur,that is so sexual again-I would just call it spectator,you know,or like a bird-watcher.
I don�t see it so sexual.
But,not like there�s anything wrong with sex!
I don�t think sex is such a negative thing.
But,anyway,it�s true,I�m telling you now,to make it clear for you,you know,beware of me,cause,yeah,I AM such a voyeur,that IS why I read your stuff.
So,yeah,just protect yourself against that the way you want,it�s not up to me,I mean,I�m telling you clearly:yes,of course I�m a voyeur,a spectator and that�s why I want to know these things,sure.
It�s up to you what you tell me and what not and when,so don�t be afraid,I mean,what power do I have,what can I do?
I really love you,you know,you�re a mystery to me,like as secret,so I wouldn�t tell that around,cause,I�d like to keep that for myself,you know.
So,m a voyeur,yeah,but I don�t want you to oblige to that,you know,that would be boring anyway.
It�s only a pleasure if you force yourself onto my eye,you know-it�s only fun if you WANT me to see stuff.
Only you can know if you want things to be seen or not or whatever,why do you ask me about this.
I can�t make you want to show me things.
Either you ARE like that in general or not.
That�s not my cup of tea,you know,not my issue.
Or whatever.
If you think it�s something negative.
Cause,I don�t!
But how would I,of course...I�m a voyeur.
No,really,you did get that right.
That is the basic thing here.
The basic instinct.
Haha,yeah.
I guess so.
But,like I said,it�s not that sexual for me.
I don�t see you as an object of course.
It�s more like you were a star and I the paparazzi.
Except I would keep the pictures for myself and build a shrine with it,you know,that kind.
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jen - 2005-12-28 21:19:30
A while ago, I came to this site and was moved by your experience with abuse. I left a brief message about my situation having been brutally attacked by my husband resulting in a broken wrist and collarbone.
I just wanted to update you... I took a deep breath and faced the great unknown and started the divorce. I am safe. My children are safe and even though it is a struggle financially and emotionally, I have hope for my future.
Thank you for sharing your story. It gave me a courage which I didn't know I had.
Love, jen
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