�Thou tellest my wanderings, put thou my tears in Thy bottle; are they not in Thy Book?�~ David Psalm 56:8
The first birthday package arrived last Saturday. �Taggert�, a book by Louis L�Amour . No card or note, but he had inscribed it for her on the front inside cover. �The first book I ever read and one of my favorites. Enjoy!� He told her in response to her �got it� email, that it was a wonderful love story. She read it quickly during the week � and it was.
Ben called late Thursday morning. �I don�t have much time as I am waiting for Pastor Jim to pick me up. I just wanted to let you know I�m going out of town for the weekend. I was elected to take part in a church function and won�t be back until Sunday.�
Anna was a little taken aback. Wasn�t this the same Ben who said he couldn�t meet her in Florida next week because he couldn�t take the time off work? �Well, I guess it�s a good thing you decided not to come next week then or you would be missing another four days work.� She felt the disbelief rising in her voice, and an odd sadness creeping in.
�Yes, I suppose it worked out that way. I�ve quite a bit of work lined up and getting some of the bills paid off. Anyway another piece of your birthday present is in the mail and should arrive in the next day or so. You�ll get another piece while you are in Florida � one that you and Bobbi can enjoy together if you wish. But I need her address.� He sounded so hurried, so rushed. Anna could hear street noises so he was outside his apartment waiting.
�Do you have a pen?� She gave him the address, but suspected he would never get the package in the mail. One of his biggest hurdles was procrastination as he had admitted during the Valentines Day visit. Not one she was unfamiliar with, or even cared much about � so she always forgave the presents months late�..they always arrived eventually.
Anna had news of her own. �Morgan got engaged last night. I�m thrilled. I think I can stop worrying � he�s wonderful and I can give her to him to care for without reservation.� And they chatted a moment about such things as children, and the joy they bring, and the fear of leaving them alone in the world and the comfort that comes from knowing they have finally found The One.
Then she changed the subject, before he had to leave. �We�ll have to get together soon. Have you looked at your calendar?� She had asked him the week before to look at the end of June or first of July. Since Florida didn�t work out, they could leave town for a weekend, get away on their own, maybe camping which they both loved.
�I don�t know, it may have to be July or later. I�ve gotten awfully busy. Weekends seem to be very full, something always going on. It will be hard to get away.� And he continued on and on until she interrupted him.
�How�s the love life going, then?� She heard it there, something somewhere in the hidden background of his voice and in the time excuses he felt compelled to make.
�You mean Penny? Well, I still see her � but just as a friend, really. I don�t think she sees it that way, so I suppose I�ll have to have another talk with her.�
�Ben, that�s what happens� she said quietly, tears forming unbidden in her eyes, choking the sound. �It�s hard for women to be friends who are lovers, or be lovers who are just friends. Especially with you, because you don�t make it clear.�
You talk about forevers and futures, and tomorrows and what ifs...what else are we to think. Fuck-buddies, now that�s something different. We don�t have to like them and we will never love them. Why do I have to love you so much?
�Then I suppose I won�t be coming anytime soon.� She snapped it out, hurt, hoping he would contradict her. Then Anna felt it, like a physical blow starting from somewhere inside the deepest part of her heart. She felt it ending, flowing away from her.
�No, Anna, but I�ll have to prepare her, give her time. Not like the last time.� She couldn�t hold on, it was slipping through her fingers while she reached wildly for some part of it. She wanted, she had to have, a piece to keep, to cherish and put away, to remember. "Oh, honestly Benjamin, grow a pair" and snicked the off button. And felt almost a sense of relief that she could respond the way she needed to respond at that very moment in time.
Another piece of the present arrived the next day. A CD he had burned with music from �The Horse Whisperer� movie and copies of the first two chapters from the book. It was beautifully written. But she didn�t understand the gift. What was he trying to say? She had never read the book, or seen the movie, would they tell her?
Today � a call left on her cell phone. As if the previous call never happened. �Your next assignment is to download a song called �A Soft Place to Fall� by Allison Moorer. You�ll understand later.� That was all. Just those cryptic words.
She couldn�t find the song to download, so she searched for the lyrics instead. And she found them. And she read them. And she knew. She knew what he was trying to say. And she knew there was no God, there was no heaven, there would be no more tomorrows, no forever, no what if, no possibilities. There was nothing anymore.
And very quietly, almost casually, she began to remember how easy it was. So many ways to accomplish it. And began to wonder if anyone would miss her.
Don't misunderstand me, baby, please
I didn't mean to bring back memories
You should know the reason why I called
I was looking for a soft place to fallLooking for a soft place
Nothing more than a small taste
Of a love that ended long ago
Looking for a place to hide
A warm bed on a cold night
I didn't mean to hurt you
No, no, no~�A Soft Place to Fall� Allison Moorer
 |
| Get Your Own Map | View Larger Map |