A Little Bit Crazy
A Ben and Anna Story
2/4/03
Anna,I met with my counselor yesterday and his advice to me was to back off, to not be in any kind of a relationship with you until you deal with your relationship with Mr. Lucky one way or another. Then, if you choose to end that relationship, to wait until you've gone through the appropriate time of grieving its loss - a process which could take months, if not years � making no guarantees to be there for you at the end. I'm considering what he had to say, trying to discern what's best for me (and you), trying to follow both my head and heart.
Love, Ben
That was over three years ago. And a lot has changed since then.
Ben has spent most of his life working with counselors. And I don�t mean �working�, I mean �in sessions with�. And I don�t mean psychiatrists or even psychologists, I mean counselors. Let me immediately assure you that I wholeheartedly support anyone who realizes they could use extra help. For whatever they need it for and for however long they need it. It once saved my life. In Ben�s case, however, these non-professionals didn�t always allow him to seek his own answers, but directed him firmly toward the revelations they thought appropriate based on their personal, political and religious backgrounds. Which begged the question, were the decisions he ultimately made his...or theirs?
Ben and Anna had a unique relationship. They were The One, each for the other, with a deep and abiding love so constant and never-ending it brought them back together time after time for over twenty five years. Never forgetting, never letting go, looking for each other in every other relationship they formed.
But, along with the religious guilt engendered just for loving her, he had an innate fear of commitment, wondering if there was something greener on the other side of that fence, and, until he was willing to fully commit, she had a (perhaps) unreasonable fear of giving up what small amount of financial, emotional and physical security she would manage to carve out for herself each time he left her, even if it meant staying exactly where she was. Because, as she would laughingly say to friends and family, you don�t pick up and move to San Francisco just because you�re in love with the Sourdough bread.
And thus she let him take the lead in the relationship, to do what was best for him, when it was best for him to do it. And she waited. Waited for him to say �Come to Me� and mean it. To take action. Make a plan. Set a date. Commit. It didn�t happen, and when she finally got it through her head their relationship was never going to change because the time would never be right, the world would never be perfect, �we� would never be a priority and he would never love her enough to ask for her�she changed instead. With serendipitous timing I might add.
Well, about those counselors. Since Ben�s sessions would eventually cover his feelings, fears and desires towards Anna, and he always listened to the advice given to him as if it was the Voice of God, they had a direct impact on the relationship. The negative results became so consistent over the years she acquired a little phobia. The last time he told her about the �advice� he was getting � she wrote a letter to the counselor involved. Oh, she didn�t mail it. I guess she was angry that, once again, someone who didn�t know anything about her was judging her life, and the decisions she had made trying to live it, in order to tell Ben what he should, or should not do, about her. Instead of letting them figure it out for themselves.
Ben and Anna will never again have the kind of relationship they once had, but he has been there for most of her adult life and she�s glad they have been able to maintain a friendship. He is thrilled that she has found someone (or did he find her?) who loves her without fear, and continues to provide a comfortable and familiar shoulder, and a willing ear, on the occasions when it�s needed. After years and years of counseling, he�s actually gotten pretty good at helping others � even if he hasn�t quite figured himself out as yet.
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know
The first cut is the deepest
Baby, I know the first cut is the deepest
When it comes to being lucky, he's first
But when it comes to loving me, he's worst.The First Cut is the Deepest Sheryl Crow
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