MINE

2008-05-20
11:02 p.m.

Reality Concept: No One can take away My joy and positive outlook on the world, unless I give them the power to do so. My Reality is what I Create. Imagine the Reality I wish, and then Live It.
Supervisor 189

It occurred to me yesterday that even if I left Bastardo, or he me, now, or in a month, or two, or six, what happens when they don�t like the next one? Or the one after that?

If there is one thing the bout with Hep C taught me is that life is finite. It ends. And it can end unexpectedly. In the very best of circumstances I have about 20 years left. And with the damage done by the hepatitis it could be much less. I want to share those years with both my family and, with luck, a loving relationship. And I don�t want to have to make a choice between them.

Oh, it could be argued that it�s what I�ve always done � chosen my love life over my family. Perhaps the argument is, at least partially, valid. But it�s easy to look back from the comfortable couch of today and say �I should have�.

I�ve tasted love three times. Jason, who was afraid of taking on a family; Benjamin, who was afraid of taking on a commitment (even though he kept coming back time after time) and Michael who caught me when I was afraid. I�ve called others boyfriends and cared deeply about a couple of them, and I�ve called others my dear friends � some with, and some without, privileges. And I�ve even married a couple. And while one or two were certainly bad choices, most were good people, just not good matches. And I learned something from each of them. Even Michael � a Really Bad Choice � gave me something I thought I had lost. He awakened the passion that had died, reminded me I was still desireable, and provided the exact incentive I needed to leave Mr. Lucky behind and stop settling for less than I deserve.

I�ve thought hard about having to choose between Bastardo and my family. And not only is it an untenable situation but it is a choice I should not be forced to make. And I�m not going to. He and I talked about it last night and while he was willing to sacrifice himself as a noble knight for my sake it is not a role I want him to play. Instead, I will remain His Woman, and he will remain My Man. And the only change I�m going to make is my attitude.

Mine.

My Home

My Daughter

My Grandson

My Boyfriend

My Decisions

My Errors

My Successes

[MY] LIFE


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