Back to the End...Again

2011-02-15
5:29 p.m.

In my Hotmail there is a folder.

It is called Romantic Bastard (tm).

It was a joke....or not....that he called himself that name.

Reminding me that he is (was?) a Bastard, romantic or not.

There are 3,756 emails in that folder. Three years worth. Good and bad. Loving, wonderful keepsakes and ugly, awful things better deleted than kept - but kept anyway to remind me how imperfect I remain despite my best efforts.

One of the things I was most often confronted with is there should be no contact with an ex. NONE. No matter what. Nor a relative or friend of an ex. "The enemy of your enemy is your enemy." No phone calls, no emails, no job references for my resume, no personal contact of any kind (including at a dance event).....no nothing. Or else. Block the names, emails, phone numbers. Period.

"There is a reason they are an EX..."

It was one of the last things that made him angry. Mr. Lucky's brother forwarded a joke to a dozen or so names, mine included. I should have deleted it, but I thought it would make him laugh so I read it aloud. He took the phone from me and saw who it was from. The reaction was not one I hadn't gotten before. (would i ever learn).

Despite everything, I honestly believed we would not part. Not forever. How could two people who loved each other this much let anything separate them.

But I have learned now. Something I never ever wanted to know.

We shared passwords - we had nothing to hide. I never used his, even when he used mine - ignorance was unquestionable bliss. But he blocked my calls, my emails, would give me no information on his medical condition. I desperately needed to find something...anything...that would put my mind at ease. To let me sleep.

I wish I had never tried to help. I am humiliated beyond belief. He didn't need me. He already had all the help he needed....and always has.

It begs the question...if I truly love him, shouldn't I be happy he had someone else to move on (or back) to in less than a week. At least he will not be alone.

2 reviews

last & next

Copyright� 2004-2011 NiciM

Get Your Own MapView Larger Map