El Bastardo Romantico(tm) version
The Tylenol Killer
Ohhhh, you're gonna Die. For all those times I had a headache and couldn't get the cap off the aspirin bottle. Or had the worst burning in my chest and had to literally use a vise-grip to get the cap off the Pepto Bismol. Thus increasing exponentially the amount of stomach acid produced.
The idiot who invented "select-a-size" paper towels. Its a simple 11 inch square, dummy. If I wanted a 5 inch strip of towel I'd have used Toilet Paper.
The genius who put the translucent "label area" on the otherwise see-thru zip lock bag. Schmuck!
NiciM Version:
(apparently moving to New York City requires an upgrade to my death ray pistol a la Terminator!!)
The group who marches, Red Army style, down the sidewalk four abreast and arm in arm. While everyone scrambles to avoid them. Who died and made you guys king of the hill?
The bicyclist who insists that roads are for "someone else" and is indignant as hell if you don't make way on the sidewalk.
Everyone who walks "to the left". This is not Europe or Asia. We walk to the right here. And we queue too. We don't crowd, push, shove or elbow our way to the front to save a single second. Or run the yellow light just to find ourselves stopped at the next red. And guys - men step aside for a lady at a door, opening, escalator or elevator. It's called manners.
And speaking of such - companies who have suddenly decided that "push 1 for English" is just the right way to go. THIS IS AMERICA. We speak English. I should not have to choose the English translation of your instructions.
And I should not have to pay even more through the nose for my prescription medication because the FDA has decided that one of its guidelines is that every package insert must printed in 32 additional languages. If you can't read it - get it translated. English classes are free. I know because my taxes pay for them.
Every man, woman, and teen-ager who decide - for unknown reasons -that the only way to listen to music in their car is to crank it up full volume with all the windows open. At all hours. My neighborhood sounds like a third world country ghetto. And that goes for all the hearing impaired in the subway. If I can hear the noise from your earphones on the other end of the car � it�s too damn loud!
The fifteenth car who pulls up at a red light in a residential neighborhood cut-through and begins to honk the instant it turns green. As if they are actually going to make it through that cycle no matter HOW fast off the mark the first fourteen are. But it just feels so good to hear the noise at 6:15 am. And by god if they are awake, so should everyone else be.
The incredibly unconscious idiots whose singular passion is to go from a brisk walk to a dead stop right in the middle of the sidewalk or at the top of the subway stairs. To gaze at their navel. To drool over something shiny in a window. To text, talk, read, or otherwise fiddle with their cell phones. To tie their shoes, look for street signs, have a conversation with a stranger, make-out with their girlfriend, or just to turn the page of their newspaper.
The douchebags who, after standing in line for 30 minutes behind every other yahoo who has done the same thing, decide to start writing their check or digging in the purse for the credit card or - my favorite - exact change to the penny only AFTER they are presented with the total from the cashier. What were they doing while their items were being rung up and bagged? Gazing at that fascinating navel again I assume.
The cashier (and the person who trained them) who hands you change by putting the bills in your out-stretched hand - then places the change, in a precarious pile, on top of them. Or maybe they hand it to you like a slice of pizza - rolled slightly on one end to hold the quarters dimes and nickels like pieces of pepperoni. I can only assume they do this trick because they get to keep all the change that has fallen to the floor from customers wrestling the piles into their wallets and purses. I have gone so far as to snatch the bills from THEM to force them to give me the change separately.
And yes, I know WHY they do it. In the old days you counted UP from the total purchase to make change - giving the customer the coins first. Now the register tells them the change to give and reading left to right (cause it's the only way they can) they count the bills then the change and hand it all over. WRONG WRONG WRONG.
And last (but certainly not least) every waitress, deli counter clerk and street corner vendor who thinks filling a container so full it slops over the sides and through the lids onto our hands and into our bags, purses and carry-alls will make us feel we've gotten a better deal.
And you can bet that bag only has a single soggy napkin in it too.
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