I pushed too hard.....

2011-02-11
7:53 p.m.

Those weird chemicals that are released when you fall in love shut off a section of your brain that gives you the ability to reason. Love, literally, makes a fool of us.

Morelli ~ �The Defenders�
I pushed. Like I always do. Never quite believing I was worth being loved by someone like him, I sought proof and assurances instead of accepting it in every loving word and action. Thus, when expectations come true, I can lay blame on everyone, and everything else - refusing to look in the mirror and admit something, perhaps a lot of something, in me needs fixing.

And, finally, he pushed back.

Tired of my needing to have my self-worth validated, when all has been proven again and again. Wanting his Queen of Dragonia, not a victim of her childhood.

Angry and hurt, hardly knowing what I was doing I put my Match ad back up on another site. And as it always happens when you do something foolish, he found it less than 24 hours after I said he was my everything, my husband in all but name. And would be for the rest of my life.

How could I explain the anger and the anguish of feeling I was once more not worth loving. The need to prove my value to myself, to him, to the world. Because I felt old, and ugly, and scarred and out of shape, and un-loveable in every way possible.

It was there less than 2 days, with nothing more than a few emails exchanged, but when confronted, I couldn�t admit I had done it. Why didn�t I just tell the truth. I�m no longer the child that needs to lie about breaking the vase to keep from being beaten. I just needed to tell the truth. That I did it. That it had nothing to do with my feelings for him, for us. It was about the feelings I have for myself. Why didn�t I just say � you hurt me. I wanted to feel that someone would want me.

I carry an un-loveable child inside of me. Nurtured over years when nothing was ever quite enough to earn the affection I desired. Any childhood transgression was swiftly punished, sometimes when there was no transgression.

I proclaim �I am not the product of my childhood�.

Bullshit. Children should be loved. The ones that aren�t are broken in so many hidden places.

I push love away because I don�t believe I deserve to be loved. Then I hold myself blameless by proclaiming �you see, he did not really love me after all�.

It is not the failing in him, it is the failing in myself.

I don�t know what will happen. He has given me everything � no, more than everything. There is nowhere I look that does not have a piece of him there.

There is no doubt we love one another deeply. That we are a �One�, one for the other. There is no doubt he will be a part of me all the days of my life. In what way, is still unknown.

Monday, Valentine�s Day, will mark our three year anniversary. Perhaps we would have spent it together despite our differences. We have celebrated our anniversary every month for 35 months � I don�t think either of us could not spend this one together in some way.

Instead, he will be having a nuclear scan in the hospital and I will be at work wishing he wanted me there.

He admitted yesterday he has kept some extremely serious health issues from me. Or perhaps he tried to tell me and when I didn�t listen, he explained no further. Or perhaps he did as he always does, cared so much he truly did not want to add it to a plate already full with the daughter, the grandchildren and the job hunt.

And I become more angry that he played the macho man and did not let me in. And still plays it by not letting me help or be there for him. And more frightened that time could be telescoping beyond my control. My place is by his side. We can work out our differences later. Right now we have to work at this - together.

People live when they have something to live for.

If you pray, pray for him. He needs every single one.

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