I think before I thought

2011-02-16
6:24 a.m.

In my denial I have failed to think.

The truth is that he was wonderful to me.

He decided to take a chance on me even when I was honest about the Hep C � cured or not, it was still a chance.

He cared for me, took care of me, worried about me and treated me like a princess.

He didn�t see the grey hair, or the wrinkles or the sags that continued to crop up, no matter what I did to stop them. The less makeup the better was what he liked.

He was there when I lost my job�twice�.when my daughter decided to hate me and take the grandchildren with her�when my tenants gave me trouble�when my car was returned with a blown motor.

He was there when I was struck with Bell�s Palsy and looked like a grotesque caricature of myself � one eye patched, drooling spittle from a paralyzed mouth.

He gave me second, and third, and fourth chances to become a better person with a healthier soul.

And he loved me like no other person in this world has ever loved me � in every word, every deed, and in every way � asking only one thing in return.

He asked me to love him, to trust him, and to treat him with respect.

I have been in love before. I know what it feels like. And I know that there has never been another like him in my life, nor will there ever be again. He was the real deal, the one time grab the brass ring or the ride is over. And I am grateful for having had the experience.

I can�t fault him for any of what happened. I take responsibility for not becoming a better person, for not gaining a healthier soul, for not having a more adult outlook on life. He tried his best � coaching, cajoling, teaching, pointing out what needed change and improvement. I was just too hard to love.

There was a time, some nine or so months into our three year relationship where I made a choice. Leave him. Accept that he was seeing others and do so myself. Or accept it and don�t do so myself. I chose door number three. By that time I loved him passionately. I couldn�t be with anyone else, and I couldn�t walk away.

I remember asking him, at that moment, not to let me know. Not to take calls from them in front of me, not to leave anything where I could find it. Not to talk about them in present tense. To lie to me�..by omission.

He has always, from that day, kept that bargain. And I wonder, now, if I would feel better had I known all along. Would I have made different choices? Kept something in abeyance � a reserve for a time just like this? Would I have stayed so long or loved so hard, so deeply, so completely?

No - I have no right to fault him. He told me from the beginning there would be others. I made the bargain a long, long time ago. And after so long I thought�.and therein lies my problem. I THOUGHT.

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