Tick Tock Slows the Clock

2005-11-06
2:06 p.m.

Loneliness is a quiet tear and no one to kiss it away.

We all have our routines.

When I'm going to be gone for a week, I do certain things. I change the linens, run the dishwasher, do the laundry and finish the weekly housecleaning chores before I leave. You may call it OCD, but I call it nice to come home to a clean house.

Mr. Lucky has a certain routine too. And I am, in one way, a superstitious part of it.

He goes on overnight business trips a couple times a month. And whether he is gone for a day or a week, he wants sex before he leaves. Without fail. Like George Foreman who wore the same trunks fighting Michael Morer in 1994 as he did in his loss to Ali in 1974 (the famous Rumble in the Jungle). Like Turk Wendell who chewed licorice between every inning, rodeo cowboys who won�t wear yellow, tennis aces who won�t step on the court lines and fishermen who won�t bring a banana on a trip. And cowgirls? Well, they always wear different color socks

This morning at 5:30 am he left for the airport and four days in California. And last night, even though I stayed up until I couldn�t hold my eyes open, he was there waiting for me. With a few twists on the norm. Sticking his tongue down my throat until I gagged, squeezing my left breast so hard there were fingerprints on it this morning. I turned my face away as the tears began to roll down my face. And I held onto the bedclothes with my fists to keep from screaming out loud the stop, leave me alone I silently mouthed over and over and over. And when I went to the bathroom to wash him off of me I couldn�t stop.

It is really so much easier to cry out loud. To say the words, and articulate the pain. When it must be silent the horror of the moment sits in your throat, choking you. You cannot breathe, you dare not move. You hear nothing but the pounding of your own heart. You feel nothing but your nails digging into your palms. And if you're lucky, blessed sleep claims you.

I called Gabriel this morning earlier than I normally do. I should have waited.

You may have noticed I reset the Tickerfactory.com counter here lately. But that's a story for another day. Tick, tick, tick.....

Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate.
~~~Germaine Greer

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