Where does love go.......

2011-02-13
2:51 p.m.

Life as I knew it changed when I decided it should change. I threw a snowball down the hill when someone who was wrong for me was more exciting than the one I had settled for, seeking the excitement and thrill of the unknown potential.

It was, perhaps, that simple. One was known and one was new.

I let myself be taken in by the fairytale. An Angel played my friend, whispering in my ear everything I wanted, or needed, to hear. And continuing to settle for something less lost all satisfaction. So I decided.

You know the rest. First a year of misery fighting the the Hep C. Then the Angel who was far from it, left me feeling like an absolute fool, or an idiot, or a combination of the two. Compounding the misery, I listened to my children and moved away from home and friends into the unknown and uncertainty using my retirement to buy the home they wanted. They walked away � taking my beloved grandchildren - and left me holding a mortgage I can�t afford. One renter that rips me off, another with an attitude and yet another who cannot keep their hands off the thermostat.

Three jobs in three years, laid off from first one, then two.

And then, three years ago � One who comes into my life as a Black Knight and has been there holding me safe throughout it all. A Rock of love, strength and understanding.

What does he get? A tumultuous life full of ups and downs, fraught with my distress and anxiety. Extremes of every kind. Nothing EZ about it and I cannot blame him for having had enough.

Nevertheless. These were all my choices. Every one of them.

I am not the victim of these decisions. I am the originator.

Aren�t all good relationships ones of mutually selfless dysfunction - defying each other�s expectations and sometimes rising to meet them?

Or is that another of my fantasies.

I have spent my whole life loving others and have nothing to show for it. Maybe I need a good head doctor to act as a lie detector � alerting me to everything I never learned to recognize.

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