I thought, perhaps, you would like to hear from Gregory again. I will remind you that we met from Match.com. And, of course, I wasn't his first date from that site - although I'd like to think...the best.
So - without further ado....
Chapter 1 of his upcoming smash hit:----
Dates From Hell 1 (and no, this is NOT about me!!!)
we had talked for about a month, both online, and on the phone..
(i like to take things slowly..
the Romantic in me, remember?)
and the conversations were getting a bit,
shall we politely say, Randy..
so we decided to meet..
she said:
"ok..
lets meet in a public place, in case you're an axe-murderer or something.."
(ok.. maybe it was a Movie of the Week, who knows..? no problem, i'm a guy..)
so we meet, in feb, mind you..
at the 72nd street subway kiosk..
i suggest a nice, warm,
inviting, club for lunch..
nope!
she wants to feed the ducks!
in the park..
in 23 degree weather..
so she says:
"what..
you're not a Wussy, are you..?"
oooh, bad move..
brings out the Alpha male..
so i said,
like Ike on D-Day:
"Lets Go!"
we walk out onto central park..
the lake is completely frozen over..
hell, everything is frozen over!
and we feed the ducks and the squirrels..
while freezing our asses off..
and sliding around on the ice..
all of a sudden..
she decides to get..
Romantic..
i suppose the fact that i walked out, onto the frozen-over pond with her, well, this 'proves' i'm a 'real man', you see..
(well.. either that, or i'm
thinking with brain number 2.. stupid dickhead)
and, things 'progress'..
until, while i'm lying on my back on the ice..
(always the gentleman..
[Romantic] Bastard, remember?)
and she lying on top of me..
and we're kissing and snuggling..
when i suddenly hear,
over a bullhorn:
"You There!
On the Ice!
This is The Police!"
i said to her:
"listen, sweetie..
my brother's a detective,
in internal affairs,
in police plaza..
let me handle this.."
we get to the police car..
and she,
oh details, details..
i forgot..
she's originally from georgia..
and she's just broke up with her ex-husband..
and she's just about to have a heavy flow day..
so, just as i'm getting out the little card my brother gave me.. and trying to smooth things over..
she proceeds to
insult this cop.. over and over..
calling him a "cracker"..
all kinds of southern insults i never even knew existed..
ok..
i told him:
"look..
it's our First Date..
i'm really sorry..
i don't know her all that well..
but i sincerely apologize for anything that's happened.."
he smiles, gets into the warm car.. and sits there for a good 45 minutes..
all the while i'm freezing
my [already] frozen butt off..
while she's kicking the
tires of the police car..
and when he gets out of the car,
Poof!
he hands both of us a ticket!
and looks me right in the eye..
and smiles an evil little smile..
and says:
"Then your Second Date will be in Court."
~~~
by this time, i'm really ready to call
it quits, realizing that i have a very horny,
but highly unstable woman on my hands..
ahhh..but now she wants
dinner and drinks..
and i said to myself:
you know what..
what the hell !
we go to a trendy chinese place, and
of course, she proceeds to get drunk..
me?
i have the scallion pancakes and the hot 'n spicy beef..
~~~~
why did i go out to dinner after that debacle?
i have this overall philosophy..
i'm going to have a good time, irrelevant of what happens..
life's too short, you know?
~~~
by the way, the female judge 2 months later dismissed the case..
because i was too
embarrassed to even discuss it..
i stood up, and said:
"Guilty, Your Honor.."
i think she threw it out because i was the only one..
of about a 1000, by my estimate, in the municipal building that day..
that didn't argue over the stupid fine..
~~~
see?
the Date From Hell..
well, it started out pretty good..
Copyright 2003
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